Early January I got tested positive for Covid-19. I wasn’t worried at all. I was healthy, I felt strong and thought my immune system would be able to deal with it quite easily. And that all seemed to be the case the first few weeks. My symptoms were very mild, with only a little bit of fatigue and some pressure on my chest. I thought that was it, easy peasy! I didn’t really slow down, I kept working and doing all my usual things. But 3 weeks in, I started to notice when I went for long walks and teaching my yoga classes that I felt weirdly exhausted and heavy. As if I had pushed through a limit, and my body was saying STOP. Yet obviously, stubborn as I am, I thought I should only be getting better, not worse and I kept going. And then one day, it was enough. A random Sunday. I came home after a walk with a friend and that was it. Enough is enough, my body said. I found myself completely empty, drained of energy and with a big cloud in my head. I felt like I wasn’t in my body, but floating somewhere in space. I didn’t recognize myself. I started to show all kinds of weird signs that something was wrong, but I wasn’t really sure what and also couldn’t explain really to other people what was going on. Several weeks, doctor’s visits and calls later, I now understand that I have Long Covid Syndrome: a term to describe the effects of Covid-19 that continue for weeks or months beyond the initial illness. Symptoms can be all sorts of a-specific symptoms, such as extreme fatigue, heart palpitations, chest pains, breathlessness, anxiety, joint or muscle pain, insomnia, brain fog, headaches, stomach aches, anxiety, depression and so on…Interestingly enough, there doesn’t seem to be a causal relationship between the initial severity of the illness when you just get it and these long term symptoms. So my initial mild symptoms didn’t prepare me for what was coming…

Am I crazy?

It’s been 2 months and still counting, that I am experiencing all sorts of disturbing symptoms:

· heart palpitations…

· a burning sensation in my lungs…

· a squeezing pressure on my chest…

· extreme fatigue…

· weird chills…

· brain fog…

· anxiety…

· insomnia (oh my gosh, does insomnia get you wacko!)

· and often just an unsettling, disturbing general feeling that I can’t even really explain…

I went to see the GP for several tests, worried about my heart mostly after days of palpitations and a numb left arm. But this is the weird part of Long Covid: all your vital functions are good. All your vital tests come back ok. And then you sit in front of that doctor thinking “am I crazy?”. He clearly thought I was, because all he tried to do was finding other reasons than Covid why I felt this way. Aren’t you just a little stressed lately? Does any of this run in your family? I mean, I understand he had to ask, but seriously? I ticked all the Long Covid boxes, it was too obvious. I didn’t have much more luck when calling my old doctor in the Netherlands. They acknowledged it as Long Covid symptoms, but all they had for me was: “just take some rest, eat healthy, sleep a lot, blablabla…”. I’m a health coach, a yogi and all of this is standard practice for me. This is how I live my life every day. Thanks for the help, doc. Most doctors don’t know much yet about the long term effects of Covid, which I completely understand. The symptoms and duration are so different across different people that it’s really hard to find a pattern. So I get it. This virus is new to all of us. But then what do you do?

How Covid messes up your nervous system

I got a little bit more clarity in a webinar organized by the Dutch Lung Foundation. The explanation of Long Covid finally made sense and now I understand it better: it’s your nervous system. Somehow the virus completely messes up your nervous system, and thereby also the basic functions of your body, like your temperature, metabolism, immunity, concentration span etc. Your body is constantly in ‘stress mode’: the sympathetic nervous system is constantly activated. So even though I’d be sitting on my sofa watching Netflix and reading books all day, my body still thinks it’s running for its life and is in full survival mode. This made so much sense to me. This is how it feels. It feels like everything I do is too much and stressing out my nerves. It feels like my body is unable to manage itself. It’s weird, because I’m not sick and I don’t spent my days in bed. I don’t have a fever or flu type symptoms. But something is so terribly ‘off’. I keep crossing my own limits, often without noticing. It can feel good and fine in the moment to go for a walk with a friend. But when I come home, my heart is pumping and I have this weird disturbing squeezing sensation on my chest that makes me feel nauseous and chances are 99.9% that I won’t be able to sleep that night.

I couldn’t even walk around the block

For several weeks even doing groceries, preparing food 3x a day, making my bed and taking a shower was too much. I couldn’t walk more than 2 streets around my block, even at the slowest granny pace (it happened more than once that the typical old Portuguese grandpops with a stick would catch up with me on the streets, lol). Talking to people was too much. All I wanted and could do all day for a while was sit, and just be. Maybe read a book or watch a movie. But that’s about it. Just sitting and breathing felt like enough. I stopped working completely. I haven’t been teaching my regular yoga classes since mid February and had to cancel or postpone several other work engagements. I got to know the 4 walls of my house a little bit too well. Of course, the lockdown in Portugal wasn’t helping either. The restrictions didn’t allow me to go outside and sit in a park, which was one of the few things that felt good and made me happy these days. It was hard to meet up with people. I couldn’t go to the beach for a good dose of nature, because the municipality borders were closed. That all didn’t help. At the same time, I’m grateful there was a lockdown. If everything would have been open, if life would have been normal and I would have been the only one (ok, not only one, I know there’s a lot more people who suffer from this, but you get it) who had to stay home, I would have suffered a lot more mentally. Now, at least I can accept it a little better because everyone is at home most of the time.

My inner child is hurting

This whole process of being unwell for a long time and being restricted in life is triggering a lot of childhood stuff for me. I used to be sick a lot as a child. I grew up with quite severe Asthma and a very weak immune system so all sorts of infections would wipe me out quite regularly. Even though the term FOMO wasn’t a thing back then, I knew way too well what it meant. I was missing out often. Very often. So whenever I get sick as an adult, I feel the pain again that this young sick child felt, having to cancel all the things she loved and that brought her joy. Not being in control of her life. Not being able to be spontaneous. Having to rely on other people, being dependent. I’m learning to be kinder to this little girl.

The psychological effects

If you look at the long list of potential Long Covid symptoms, you will also find more psychological effects like anxiety and depression. This makes sense if you recall that Long Covid is an attack on your nervous system. Your brain is a significant element of your central nervous system. So of course your brain and your mental health are also impacted. I have found myself over the last few weeks on several occasions feeling so low, so down, so deeply sad. And that’s something I don’t really recognize in myself. That’s not who I am. I consider myself a positive, and strong person with a growth and go-getter mindset. I don’t give up easily. I have never experienced depression. So it’s tough for me to notice these things in myself. Plus, it isn’t helping that all the things that bring me joy are either restricted because of lockdown regulations or because my physical health doesn’t allow it.

Being healthy is no guarantee that you won’t get ill

One of the key things that we can all learn from this is that even though you are young and healthy, with a strong immune system, it doesn’t mean you won’t get Covid and it doesn’t mean that you won’t have any severe symptoms. It can happen to anyone. As a yogi and nutrition & health coach, I know how to take care of myself. I thought I was healthy – and I am – but that wasn’t enough. And that’s a tough lesson to learn. So a big part of my healing process is about acceptance. Accepting everything that life throws at me, whether I like it or not. Accepting that I cannot control everything. Accepting that life comes with pleasure and with pain, and the only way to experience pleasure is to also learn how to accept pain in my life. Resistance won’t help and only cost more energy that I need for healing. And boy, have I been resisting this bloody virus and all the effects it has on me and my life! So acceptance is what I am slowly learning. Every day.

I don’t need to be ‘fixed’

The analytical problem solver in me wants nothing more than to fix myself. I’ve been trying to fix myself with all kinds of things: food, sleep remedies, supplements, acupuncture, reiki, meditation, breathwork, detoxing, nature, smoking weed, red wine, touch, orgasms, you name it…I tried it. This is the masculine, action-oriented side in me that always served me well in the corporate world. But you know what? All these things help and support my healing, but the most important thing is time and rest. Just allowing my body to heal at the pace it decides to. I can’t push it. I can’t make it go faster. I just need to allow it. More softness, kindness towards myself, slowing down and yin is what I need.

Most people in my environment would do the same: they are in the problem solving mode and what I hear a lot is “have you tried this? And “you should really try that”. I love everyone for trying to help me and for worrying about me. I know that so many people care, and I have so many amazing people that are here for me (thank you, thank you, thank you, you know who you are). But actually I’m tired of trying to solve it. I’m tired of being in action mode of fixing myself. I just need rest and time. Letting nature do its thing. And what I need from other people is for them to hold space for it and listen. To be present with me while I heal. And that’s hard. It’s human nature to want to help and fix. I do the same! It’s also difficult to understand what is really going on with me. I don’t even fully get it myself! Because I don’t look sick, I don’t act sick. But I AM sick. I can show up for a friend date and be energetic and smiling, with a sun tan on my face and people think “oh, she’s all good again”. But what you don’t see is:

that I come home after having to take an hour nap to ‘recover’
that I can’t sleep that night because my nervous system is unable to shut down
that my energy may be fine, but that I feel nauseous of the heart palpitations and chest squeezes
that I can feel good one day, and the next can be terrible again
that I am great at putting on my happy face and look totally fine in the moment, because I am just longing for happiness and fun, but pay the price up till 3 days later because I pushed through my limit
that I feel it’s going to take a while until I am 100% better again and that freaks me out. I’m a freelancer. No work means no income. The uncertainty is killing me
that I can’t exercise already for 3 months now, I am gaining weight and loosing strength and muscle
that the mental side of it is something I can’t really explain but still impacts me a lot
that my self-worth got a huge hit of not achieving anything for nearly 3 months and having to stop all work
that nothing in my life right now is spontaneous, I need to plan everything very carefully and pace my days which makes me feel stuck and rigid
and the list goes on…

How my daily practice is helping me

My main lesson is to stop resisting being unwell (although I still have my rebel days 😉). Instead, every morning I start with very gentle movement, breath, meditation and sound. It’s my check-in moment. Allowing myself space to feel into my body and listen to what it has to say. Because if there is one thing I have learned already from the past few years of deep inner work and yoga, then it is that your body will always give you the signs. Your body is faster than your brain. All we need to do is be still and listen. Regularly. I practice loving kindness towards myself. Every day, I meditate with one hand on my heart and one hand on my belly, feeling the pain or discomfort or whatever it is in that day. And repeating to myself:

May I be happy…

May I be healthy…

May I be kind to myself…

May I love and accept myself exactly as I am…

May I love and accept my life exactly as it is…

This is a beautiful and powerful prayer, that I would recommend everyone to practice, to bring you back into your heart. It’s helping. What comes up every day is different, and it usually isn’t fun. It’s my inner crap and it hurts. I feel like my body let me down. But actually all my body did, was giving me signs early on, that I should have slowed down earlier. I should have given myself time to heal from the initial illness, even though it didn’t feel very severe. I should have taken just a little break from life. But I didn’t listen. I did what I usually do. I pushed through, I let my masculine side lead and showed the world that I am strong. I am an independent woman. I can move to a new country during lockdown times after an intense and emotional year. I can built and run a business, all by myself. I can be social, run my own household, exercise, build a new life, get sick and heal all at the same time. I can do it all. And I can, but I forgot one big part: rest.

Living life at a slower pace

Looking back now, I think my body was already tired from an intense and eventful 2020, with lots of uncertainty and change which required a lot of resilience and perseverance. And Covid was just too much. What I take from this, is that I need more downtime in my life. I tend to keep going always. I may have left the corporate world, but I still live my life at the same pace, according to those rules. The ambitious achiever in me just wanted to keep going and do as much as possible in a day. The achiever in me doesn’t want to admit to herself that she needs rest. But she does. I don’t want to live my life anymore according to these old rules. Our body and brain need time to rest and digest. To rebuild cells and stamina, to process. It’s so funny. As a yogi, I know this all too well. It’s what we learn as one of the basics. And yet, somehow it has been difficult for me in this regard to practice what I preach. So here I am, planning my days differently. I don’t plan back to back, I allow more space in between activities and meetings. I go through my days much slower than usual. I make sure there is time to make myself a delicious coffee, and to go for a walk every day. I read tons more and I listen to so many great podcasts. I ask myself every morning: what do I need today? What will make me feel good? And decide from that place what my day will look like.

Even a yogi isn’t always zen

So you see, even a seasoned health coach and yogi is still learning and not always perfectly zen and calm. Life is a journey. The universe will keep presenting us situations to learn the lessons we still need to learn, and this is definitely one of those for me. Well, here I am, Universe. I hear you. I’m listening.

Thankfully, after more than 2 months it’s not so bad anymore. I am making progress. Physically, mostly. I can wake up, shower, stretch a bit, make breakfast, work on my laptop for a while, go for a quick grocery shop…without much pause in between. I can meet up with a friend. I can go for a decent walk, without having to rest afterwards. I am slowly getting back to work and have been running a few corporate workshops again. So this is all good and progress. But still, my body is far from normal. My life is far from normal.

I don’t know when I will teach yoga again...

I don’t know when I will be able to work fulltime again…

I don’t know when I will exercise again…

I don’t know when I will be able to jump out of bed in the morning again ready to get shit done and smash it...

I don’t know when I will be able to have a fun night with friends, food and drinks again without having a sleepless night after and 2 days of setback…

And maybe that is one of the hardest things to accept. If you would tell me this will take one more month and then all will be fine, ok cool. I’ll deal with it. But no one knows, and I keep having setbacks. I am far from normal, even though there is progress. And that is very, very frustrating. But acceptance instead of resistance, rest and gratitude for the simple things in life, like great food, the sun in Portugal, beautiful people that call, text and hold me, is what will get me through.

I’m feeling all my fu*king feelings

I’m proud of myself for being resilient and still getting up every day and trying to make the most out of it. I’m proud of myself for being able to feel all my fu*king feelings and allowing them to flow through my body, even though they hurt. I’m proud of myself for doing everything I can to get better. Every day brings me closer to feeling ok again. But even in not feeling ok, I am learning to be ok. I will get better. This is just temporary. Nothing is forever. This too shall pass. And without pain, no pleasure. Without darkness, no light. And I can start to see the light come in through the cracks again. Can you?

You’re not alone

I wrote this story for myself. As a way to express my experience with Covid and how it makes me feel. And to reflect on the lessons I receive during this process. Thank you for reading it all the way through if you made it this far. But I know I am not the only one suffering from Long Covid Syndrome, even though we don’t hear it so often yet. So if you know anyone in your environment that is going through the same, please share this blog post with them. Because it is a very lonely and difficult process, with not many people that really understand it. So this is also for those who experience something similar. If this resonates with you, please reach out! I’d love to talk to you.

Lots of love, stay safe. Stay healthy.

Myrthe